In our daily life ,its not uncommon to seek approvals.As a social creature we must give importance to others' opinion especially if any of our decisions is likely to have an effect on those people..But some people has a habit of seeking approvals from other people.Its not that these kinds of people doesn't have mind or will of their own,its just a mal adaptive behaviour that they continues to carry on.This blockage is not only creates many troubles in personal life,it might even have a negative effect in the psychology..
I have an experience to share with you,One of my relatives have been behaving like this for a quite some times.Everything she decides herself ,no matter how trivial it is ,she seeks out approval of others. Believe me It can be quite drainning if you are just a phone call away from such person.when I refused to give my opinion on a not-so-important decision of hers,she threw quite a tantrum,and went in to a a sullen silence.
we know that a pathologically dependent personality needs some serious help.But a person who seeks out people to fish for approvals ,needs some serious reality check.
It was not a time to be judgmental on my part .I could sense that she was suffering inside.She was angry at me for my flat refusal to play along with her this time.
The first question which poped in my mind was,what could be the reason behind such behavior?
These things are certainly does not happen suddenly.If we probe deeper we might find a troubled childhood or an incident that might had shaken her to the core in the past.The truth is when we don't approve ourselves then we seek out people who will do that for us.When we fail to accept ourselves as we are,this is how we attract attention and acceptance.So lack of self confidence and faith on ourselves may lead to a low self -esteem,which is the main reason behind such behavior.
When a baby is born ,he is dependent on his parents and other adults in his immediate family.The baby needs an appreciative touch,an encouraging pat,a warm hug or praise.These things are equally needed along with his other needs .when a baby can feel that he is accepted and loved ,he feels secure.
In case a baby is deprived of such early environment ,it can affect his psyche .If his parents are absent or unresponsive towards him ,it can even kill a child.If a baby doesn't get appreciative pats and praises while he is growing up, a sense of fear and insecurity takes over. As the child grows up, if most of his activities are criticized and disapproved,it can affect his self esteem negatively .
On getting 98% in the exam, a father's angry remark of "what happened to the rest 2%?" can be a real blow to a child's self esteem.He grows up with a sense that he is not wanted ,his parents are not proud of him.Lack of encouragement and approval makes a child think ,he might not good enough.This self criticism gets rooted in the mind since this child is ever in the receiving end of criticism.Self criticism never let us realize our true worth.This lowers our self esteem.As he grows up his subconscious mind signals him that his decisions ,his thinking might not good enough.
Gradually he learns to compare himself with the others.He often thinks what it is that he lacks.What makes the other boy so confidant and self-assured.He simply want to be like him.as he tries to imitate the other boy he feels an emptiness inside his heart.A failed effort or two leaves his ego bruised.But EGO is a thing which needs to be stroked.Ego needs approval , acceptance , wants to be loved and appreciated in order to feel alive.At such times he reaches out for others who can help him to feel alive.
It can be manifested in many ways.The empty-inside people wants to be loved by other people.They often want to show other people how important they are to him. how much their approval means to him.Actually he is the one who seeks to be important,he fishes for positive affirmations from others to feel good about himself.
Once and twice he might get lucky,which gives his ego a boost.Getting his ego-messaged by people can act as an aphrodisiac.The more it feels good the more he wants it.When it becomes a habit then it changes him in to a people-pleaser.His every action and reactions are not his any more.He let himself get controlled invisibly by others.He has given his power to others.He has sold his individuality and cease to do things which makes him "Him".
Approval-addicts can be manipulated easily.This attention seeking behavior can be taken advantage of .Self-deceptive even self harming ideas are welcome to him as long as its approved by his mentors.These people often seek out people who wont disapprove his ideas..They might choose people who are easy to manipulate.These kinds of people often eliminates oppositions by seeking approvals before hand ,so he can shun off any blame latter ,if any such occasion arises.
Once he is disapproved or shoved away by people,he becomes truly heart-broken.The old feeling of disapproval and hurtful neglect comes back in his mind.Every body seems to critical of him, Always.He readily comes to the conclusion that in the whole wide world nobody wants him.This sense of self pity can be quite destructive,self pity destroys our ego and ego is the most important thing when it comes to maintaining mental balance.A deep depression sets in..
Its the story of every approval seeker's life.
Self-awareness could have kept him from falling victim of this perpetual cycle of broken self-esteem.
He lacked positive reinforcements in the childhood but as an adult he was still able to make decisions for himself.As a normal person he knew what decisions will work for his benefits and what wont.With the help of his best judgement he could have taken decisions,which he could have stick in to.
everybody wants to be appreciated, as a social creature we have this need too,but choosing wrong people to be surrounded himself with led him to the pit.He failed to understand that the emptiness that he has been feeling since his childhood needs to be replaced by healthy self-esteem.Which can be build.He should not have gone out to seek it.
People should do what makes them "themselves".In this world nothing is good or bad,it depends on the perspective,so trust yourself and do what ever it feels right.You cant please everybody neither you will be accepted by everybody,so why bother to seek approvals?Remember disapproval feels bad only when we try to act in a way that others will like it.
If we seek approvals we must be careful about whom we choose for it.Because our ultimate goal should be "reality check",we don't have time for biased opinions.
somebody has said,"confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong"
so accept yourself as you are.find the missing links and become whole.
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